


to Lucius on his 55th Birthday

by mothermalfoy (slytherinxravenclaw)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Cuddling, Fluff, Harry is a good boyfriend, M/M, Panic Attacks, flangst, implied minor character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 05:03:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17760284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherinxravenclaw/pseuds/mothermalfoy
Summary: A year after his father's death on what would have been his 55th birthday, Draco has a panic attack, his feelings for his father have always been complicated, and now he's gone it hasn't gotten much better.





	to Lucius on his 55th Birthday

His heart is racing and he doesn’t know why. Sitting alone in the library of Grimmauld Place, Draco is reading a novel when it happens. His heart races suddenly, his breath catches, and he’s crying.  _Why am I crying?_ He stands abruptly, the room sways a little as his book drops to the floor, and he races out of the library and down into the kitchen where Harry is cooking breakfast.

“Babe, are you okay?” Harry asks, Draco is fully hyperventilating now, and Harry drops everything and runs to his side, “Honey what’s wrong?”

“I don’t… I can’t…” he breaks down sobbing in Harry’s arms. Harry holds him tight, playing with his hair, Draco sighs. The sound of Harry’s heartbeat against his ear, Draco feels himself calming somewhat. Grounded by his boyfriend’s caressing fingers moving down his back.

It’s Harry who makes the connection first, “It’s Lucius’s birthday today,” he says.

“So?”

“So, your father just died a year ago, of  _course,_ you feel some type of way about it.”

Draco pulls away from Harry and shakes his head. “No, that’s ridiculous, why would I feel any sort of way about that?”

Harry gives him a look, “You loved your father for many years.”

“Did I? Or was I simply afraid of him? Wanting to be the best possible child I could be so that  _maybe_ I could get some affection from him?” Draco asked, tears running down his face again. “I did everything I could think to do to be a perfect child for him, and what did it get me?”

“Me?” Harry tried. Draco couldn’t help but laugh at that, wrapping his arms around Harry’s shoulders once more, laying his head there. “I know you didn’t have the greatest relationship Draco, but it’s natural to be upset.”

“He made my life a living hell, he doesn’t deserve my tears,” Draco said quietly.

“That’s not how emotions work. I barely got to know my parents, and have no memories of them and I still miss them.”

“I don’t  _want_ to mourn him. I don’t want to feel anything for him!” Draco yelled. Years of pent up frustration at the elder Malfoy suddenly coursing through him all at once.

“I know love. But you’re human. Despite all of your pureblood training, despite your years as a Slytherin. You’re human, and so you feel some type of way. Maybe you should write him another letter.”

“I’ve written  _dozens_ of letters. More than I had when he was alive!” Draco replies.

“Yes but this is a special one. To Lucius on his 55th birthday. Or… would-be.”

Draco sighs. “I have nothing to say to him anymore. What, Happy Birthday you ruined my life?”

“If that makes you feel better,” Harry says with a smile.

“It doesn’t,” Draco says. Harry kisses his forehead.

“It’ll come to you. In the meantime, let’s go lay down, maybe a little cuddle will help you feel better.”

Draco nods, and the two of them make their way back towards their bedroom for a lie-down. It’s there, that the thought comes to him:

_Dear Father,_

_Another year has come and gone and somehow I hate you somewhat less than I did, and yet… I’m not sure I can totally forgive you. I want to believe that I can, for my sake more than anything. You’re already dead so what does it matter to you? But me? I’m still living with this hell you created inside of me. Harry’s taken good care of me, and I’m so grateful to him for giving me the love you never could. Or would. Because I’ve learned I’m stronger than I ever thought possible, and it’s thanks to Harry I know. I’m a better person, a happier person, a person who can be loved and show that love in return. Despite everything you raised me to be, I am a good person. And I love myself._

_Happy Birthday I guess. I don’t miss you, but I do wish you were here if only so I never had to think about you again._

_-Draco._

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t normally do explanations of why I wrote something but I thought I would explain that I’ve always felt Draco’s feelings for his father would be rather complex like my own, and so, being that it was my own late father’s birthday and I had a bit of an inexplicable panic attack about it, I thought I’d use my pain to create something.


End file.
